Loving with an Open Hand 放爱一条生路

The other day as I talked with a friend I recalled a story that I heard this summer. "A compassionate person, seeing a butterfly struggling to free itself from its cocoon, and wanting to help, very gently loosened the filaments to form an opening. The butterfly was freed, emerged from the cocoon, and fluttered about but could not fly. What the compassionate person did not know was that only through the birth struggle can the wings grow strong enough for flight. Its shortened life was spent on the ground; it never knew freedom, never really lived."

I call it learning to love with an open hand. It is a learning which has come slowly to me and has been wrought in the fires of pain and in the waters of patience. I am learning that I must free the one I love, for if I clutch or cling, try to control, I lose what I try to hold.

If I try to change someone I love because I feel I know how that person should be, I rob him or her of a precious right, the right to take responsibility for one's own life and choices and way of being. Whenever I impose my wish or want or try to exert power over another, I rob him or her of the full realization of growth and maturation. I limit and prevent by my act of possession, no matter how kind my intention.

I can limit and injure by the kindest acts of protection or concern. Over extended it can say to the other person more eloquently than words, "You are unable to care for yourself; I must take care of you because you are mine. I am responsible for you."

As I learn and practice more and more, I can say to the one I love: "I love you, I value you, I respect you and I trust that you have the strength to become all that it is possible for you to become — if I don't get in your way. I love you so much that I can set you free to walk beside me in joy and in sadness. I will share your tears but I will not ask you not to cry. I will respond to your needs. I will care and comfort you, but I will not hold you up when you can walk alone. I will stand ready to be with you in your grief and loneliness but I will not take it away from you. I will strive to listen to your meaning as well as your word, but I shall not always agree. Sometimes I will be angry and when I am, I will try to tell you openly so that I need not hate our differences or feel estranged. I can not always be with you or hear what you say for there are times when I must listen to myself and care for myself, and when that happens I will be as honest with you as I can be."

I am learning to say this, whether it be in words or in my way of being with others and myself, to those I love and for whom I care. And this I call loving with an open hand.

I cannot always keep my hands off the cocoon, but I am getting better at it!

　　中文：

　　前几天和一位朋友闲聊时，我想起今年夏天听到的一个故事：“有个人很富有同情心，看到一只蝴蝶拼命挣扎想冲破茧的束缚，就帮了个忙，轻轻地解开茧丝使其露出一个缺口。蝴蝶得到解放，从茧中出来振翅欲飞，然而却飞不起来。这位富有同情心的人所不知道的是，只有经过挣扎破茧而出，翅膀才能变得强壮，可以飞翔。这只蝴蝶短暂的生命只能在地上度过了，它从未尝过自由的滋味，没有真正享受过生活。”

　　我把它叫做学会放爱一条生路。这个教训经历了痛苦的锻造和耐心的洗礼，我才逐渐认识到。我学会了必须给所爱的人自由，如果我抓得太紧、紧握不放、设法控制，结果可能会失去他们。

　　如果我试图改变所爱的人，仅仅因为我觉得他/她应该这样，就等于是掠夺了他/她的一项珍贵的权利，即他/她对自己生命的责任权和生活方式的选择权。无论何时我把自己的意志和权力强加给别人，都会导致他/她无法完全成长和成熟。无论我的意图多么善良，我的控制行为还是限制和阻碍了他们。

　　即使保护或关心这种最善意的行为也会限制和伤害别人。“你无法照顾自己，我必须照顾你，因为你是我的，我要对你负责。”对别人说这么动人的语言远远超越了你的权力。

　　随着我学习和锻炼的增多，现在我会这样告诉我爱的人：“我爱你、珍惜你、尊重你，我相信你有足够的实力发展成为你想要成为的人——如果我不阻碍你的话。我是那么爱你，所以我给你自由，和我共享欢乐与悲伤。我会和你一起流泪，但我不会要求你停止哭泣。我会满足你的需要，关心你、安慰你，但在你能够独立行走时我不会阻挡你。我会时刻准备好，在你悲伤和孤独时站到你身边，但我不会把你的悲伤和孤独带走。我会尽力理解你的话语及其中涵义，但不会总是赞同。有时我会生气，当我生气时，我会尽量坦率地告诉你，这样我就不会对我们之间的分歧怀恨于心，产生疏远的感觉。我无法时刻与你在一起，或者听你诉说，因为有时我需要倾听自己，关心自己，当这些发生时，我会尽量告诉你。”

　　对于那些我所爱和所关心的人，我正在学习这样表达，无论是用语言，还是用我对待他人及自己的方式，我把这种方式叫做放爱一条生路。

　　我不会总把双手从茧的身旁移开，但我正在逐渐进步！



If this is not love 如果这都不算爱

A girl and a boy were on a motorcycle, speeding through the night.
一天夜里，男孩骑摩托车带着女孩超速行驶
　　They loved each other a lot..
他们彼此深爱着对方
　　Girl: Slow down a little. I'm scared...
女孩：“慢一点...我怕...”
　　Boy: No, it's so fun...
男孩：“不，这样很有趣...”
　　Girl: Please... it's so scary...
女孩：“求求你...这样太吓人了...”
　　Boy: Then say that you love me...
男孩：“好吧，那你说你爱我...”
　　Girl: Fine... I love you... Can you slow down now?
女孩：“好....我爱你...你现在可以慢下来了吗？”
　　Boy: Give me a big hug...
男孩：“紧紧抱我一下...”
　　The girl gave him a big hug.
女孩紧紧拥抱了他一下
　　Girl: Now can you slow down?
女孩：“现在你可以慢下来了吧？”
　　Boy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on? It's uncomfortable and it's bothering me while I drive.
男孩：“你可以脱下我的头盔并自己戴上吗？它让我感到不舒服，还干扰我驾车。”
　　Then next day, there was a story in the newspaper: a motorcycle had crashed into a building because it sbrakes were broken.
第二天，报纸报道：一辆摩托车因为刹车失灵而撞毁在一幢建筑物上。
　　There were two people on the motorcycle, of which one died, and the other had survived...
车上有两个人，一个死亡，一个幸存...
　　The guy knew that the brakes were broken. He didn't want to let the girl know, because he knew that the girl would have gotten scared.
驾车的男孩知道刹车失灵，但他没有让女孩知道，因为那样会让女孩感到害怕。
　　Instead, he was told the last time that she loved him, got a hug from her, put his helmet on her so that she can live, and die himself...
相反，他让女孩最后一次说她爱他，最后一次拥抱他，并让她戴上自己的头盔，结果，女孩活着，他自己死了...
　　
Once in a while, right in the middle of anordinary life, love gives us a fairytale...
就在一会儿的时间里，就在平常的生活里，爱向我们展示了一个神话。

Pain and Growth 痛苦与成长

This is an especially crucial issue for parents. Our natural inclination is to try to protect children from pain. We have the mistaken notion that if a child is happy we are doing a good job; if a child is sad we are failing as parents. But giving children the message that happy is good and sad is terrible decreases their capacity to explore the full range of human experiences.

Children need to understand that suffering, frustration and failure are not only inevitable but helpful. The parent who took a simple puzzle away from a four-year-old child has dreadful feeling because "he gets too upset and frustrated when he can't get it right immediately,"--did the child a great disservice.

In order to feel deeply it is necessary to feel everything. It is impossible to choose. You can't really know how great is your sense of joy at a baby's birth or your satisfaction at succeeding at a hard job unless you are also deeply aware of the anguish of separation and the pain of failure. It's through the capacity to feel that we discover ourselves and others and explore the potential for a full, significant life.

Looking back over my life, it seems to me that I have learned the most when I felt the greatest pain. My mother's death, for example, made me more profoundly aware of the beauty in nature. My capacity for finding joy in the most ordinary events (watching a flower open, leaves turning red, a bird taking a bath) seems to deepen each time I live through great sorrow. Death makes life more precious; frustration makes success more fulfilling; failure makes the next accomplishment more meaningful.

Children need to experience such feelings as they grow up; it helps them to develop the patience, persistence and ability to cope that they'll need when a scientific experiment fails, or a low grade is received after diligent study. There is nothing so terrible about failing and feeling pain; what hurts in the long run is not trying because of the fear of pain.

　这尤其是父母面临的一个严峻问题。做家长的总是情不自禁地竭力避免让孩子受苦。我们错误地认为，只要孩子幸福，家长就算尽了职，而孩子不幸，家长就是失了职。但是，让孩子感知幸福即好、不幸即糟这一讯息，则削弱了他们全面发掘人生经验的能力。

　大河积淀厚重，深不可测；小溪则清澈、纯净、活泼，充满了梦想和希望。无须父母的告诫，孩子们就可以涉水而过。他们可以独自去小溪，在水中活蹦乱跳地捉小虾，在岸边系上绳子荡秋千。小溪属于童年，将孩子们带入一个更加广阔的世界，让他们领略到大地起伏的轮廓。

　　要想感受深切，就须感受一切，有所选择地感受是不可能的。你没有深切体会到分娩的阵痛，又哪能真正领悟到新生命诞生的巨大喜悦？你没有深切体会到失败的痛楚，又哪能真正领悟到成功完成一项艰巨工作之后的满足？我们在感受之中发现自己和他人，探索完满而有意义的生活的可能性。

　回首往事，我觉得最痛苦的经历似乎给了我最大启迪。比方说，母亲的去世让我更加深切地体会到大自然的美好。每经受一次大的痛苦，我在对日常事物中发现愉悦的能力（观赏花儿开放，叶儿变红，鸟儿沐浴）就增加一分。死亡使得生命格外珍贵；挫折使得成功更加完满；失败使得下一次成就更有意义。

　　孩子们应该懂得，痛苦、挫折和失败非但不可避免，而且非常有益。父母拿走四岁孩子手中的智力玩具，唯恐“他一时做不好就会灰心丧气”，这无异于害了孩子。

If this is not love 如果这都不算爱

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